muziklprodigee @ 2008-09-21T20:50:00

2038-01-19T03:14:07Z

So I was going to do a ton of homework tonight to get even FURTHER ahead of where I am right now (like a week, week and a half ahead)...but I think it's wise for me to not get too far ahead of my work, or I won't remember things for quizzes and tests. So instead, I'm going to write a little bit because lots has happened in the last few weeks. I guess I'll start with people and relationships...

So this last week, I've tried to put myself into some different situations and meet different crowds to broaden my social horizons. And it worked! I know people at In-N-Out now that I didn't know before, and I also was able to go to a couple of parties and other concerts and meet a lot of new faces. I have expanded my networking to include more accompanying students, and I'm getting to know other people in the vocalist departments, as well as other professors, people in my major, etc. And well, I've come to realize that I can be a pretty cool person to be around. That's something that I never thought I'd say, but I've finally gotten over the need to seem "right" all the time to people. So I'm just relaxing and trying to be the best "me" that I can be. Having no stress because of school really helps with that. But I've learned that you can go really far in life and relationships by just being genuine to (and around) people. Also, it helps to not be afraid of people, because the truth is, they're all like you, and they're all just as unsure of themselves in many aspects like you are. And I think that we could all use people to help us find ourselves and help to give us a little more definition in life. So that's mainly where my focus is: trying to expand myself to find good people to help me feel like I belong in life. And by belong, I mean FIT, not just simply EXIST on Earth.

Mostly, ironically enough, these relationships have been with women. And it's amazing how just last week, I had no real "interests" in my personal, romantic life...and how all of that can change so quickly. I don't even know what I did! I guess I relaxed a lot, and I think that people can just sense when you're more relaxed and confident. I didn't realize that confidence could do so much for a person. But anyway, I went from having no interests to 3 or 4 in like, a week. And now I feel stuck. Here's my situation, girl-by-girl:

Kelly Campbell: In-N-Out employee, Junior at ASU majoring in journalism. She's interned at Disneyworld in Florida for a semester (last fall?) and, apparently, it changed her life. She's from Prescott, is pretty small, red hair, loves life, and gives all she can to people that she knows. She strongly believes to live life to the fullest and to take chances with relationships and love. She believes in all of the Disney magic and cliches, and she's pretty chill. Loves The Office and loves to joke around at work, which is awesome! She loves to take pictures and scrapbook; special moments are very important to her. Has a lot of loyalty and is very upbeat. She is the first person I mention because we've already hung out a lot, been to some parties, and...well, based on some events, it makes me feel like I may ultimately be in a relationship with her. But we'll see how everything pans out.
Char Bashore (with a soft "ch", like in Charlene): Senior at ASU majoring in science, specifically bioengineering and chemistry (I think). She shoots DNA with lasers. Has a great personality, is funny, loves sarcasm, sports, and music, and is also religious (but at the same time, not afraid to swear or drink, which is actually a plus with me...crazy religious people are cool, but I also feel restricted by them). I had a class with her in my freshman year of school (music theory), and we got along really well, but I haven't talked to her a whole lot since then. Then randomly, she chats with me over facebook and invites me out to lunch! And then yesterday, I saw her at a party that I took Kelly to...and I almost ditched Kelly at times just to talk to her. She's very cool, and very sweet...laid back, and confident. She's applying to graduate schools in the fall, and getting interviews for scholarships from places like Rhodes, Marshall, and Oxford. Yeah. She's got a brain up there.
Kristen Whitworth: Junior at ASU majoring in piano performance. She's highly religious, but very nice. Always dresses fashionably. She's very friendly, and I was drawn to her because she's pretty low-key, but I also feel that she moves at the same pace as I do, both academically and in conversation. It's very easy to talk to her and laugh with her. We took theory together for four semesters and have played in recitals, so I know her pretty well. But I have qualms about this relationship if I would want it to go any further. She's ultra-conservative and very religious (way moreso than me, which is intimidating. Like, Dianne-intimidating, but without necessarily being really active and open about it). She knows what she wants, loves to travel, and loves to do things spontaneously when she has the time. She's a HUGE music nerd, which I love, but she also makes fun of how nerdy I am, too. We seem like we have similar upbringings as far as how devout our parents are and the principles by how we were raised, so I know that it would be good for my character to date her. But even though I think she likes me, she'd never say anything or do anything to express interest. So...I'm timid.
Aly: This is a girl that I just met tonight at a random flute concert! She just sat down next to me while I was reading a history textbook and started talking to me before the performance. She's really nice, and is a good conversationalist. We had a nice dynamic becauseshe likes to talk more, and I usually can't think of things to say...but she gave me time to free myself up to talk to her, and so there was a good vibe! We murmured a little bit to each other during the performance, and when it was done, we were commenting on it and she asked me for my phone number! I ended up taking her number down because she didn't have her phone on her, but I have to call/text her tonight! It seemed a little forward to me to have things happen so quick, but they...kind of did. And now I have to text her and see if she wants to hang out sometime. Things could get interesting...

So anyway, there are my prospects. But honestly, I feel like I'm in such a good place right now that I'm not even sure I want to be in an exclusive relationship. Kelly and I have kind of already started down that path, though. Should I tell her that maybe I just want a relaxed, more open relationship? I don't even know what an "open relationship" is...I've just seen it on facebook. But it sounds like something I might want to pursue, since I'm getting all of these options and I kind of want to explore them all! I don't want to leave someone behind and miss out on great chemistry because I was too committed to a single person. And even though it might hurt Kelly's feelings to tell her that, it's probably better to do it sooner rather than later. I just want to be able to go to lunch with Char or meet up with Aly for ice cream perhaps, or study with Kristen without things seeming awkward. I feel like I owe that to myself, especially since it took me so long to get over Cait and start to feel good about myself again.

As a random, quick little side note: I've noticed that whenever I introduce myself to somebody and they ask me my name, I say "I'm Stephen, sorry." SORRY? I say SORRY when I introduce myself to people?! I just realized it tonight when I was talking to Aly for the first time because she said, "Nice to meet you, no sorry..." and continued talking to me. Am I really that low in my self-esteem STILL to the point where I have to apologize when I meet someone? I just think it says a lot about me that I've been doing that with a lot of people that I get introduced to. What does that say about me? It can't be good for my perceived confidence level. I'll definitely try to change that.

Life's been good to me so far this semester. School is manageable and I finally know what I want to do with my life (musical theater conducting)...work is manageable, and I've done better with requesting days off so I don't get filled with crazy amounts of stress...I've organized volleyball games and parties at the condo...I've spent more time with family...and I'm caught up on all my finances after like, $1500 spending on my car in the last 3 months! So I really feel good and I have no reason to hide myself from anybody right now! It's such a good feeling to seem healthy for once. Really, TRULY healthy.

Honestly, I couldn't ask for anything more out of life right now, except maybe a closer relationship with God since He pretty much made me feel this good about myself. I kind of owe him a lot right now :) Oh, and THE OFFICE STARTS THIS THURSDAY!! And it's an hour-long episode! AND there are 28 episodes this season! I'm so excited! This is going to be an awesome year. Hopefully I'll remember this post when things turn to shit.

Alright, I'll stop talking.

Forever and Always,
-The Music Man

EDIT: So I thought I had saved Aly's number in my phone tonight, but when I went to text her, I couldn't find her in my number in my phone!! I must have pressed a totally wrong button... :(
Oh well. If, by chance, we happen to meet up again, it will truly be because of divine providence lol