Hi!

Well, I noticed that I've only written in here 6 times in the last year, but I'm not checking it any less.  I still very much appreciate the posts that people write, and I still appreciate using this site as an outlet.  I just don't know what's happened to me documenting my own life.  Even my own handwritten journal is suffering a little bit because I feel like I should be spending my time on other things.  Well, that's bullcrap.  It's time for me to start being real with myself again.  Maybe I'll learn something profound in the process.

I guess it's just that I feel too busy to really sit back and reflect.  Life is just on the other side of college. Just seven months separate me from this tiny little school bubble that I've been living in my entire life and the realness of the unrelenting world.  And every passing day, that time gap decreases just a little more, and the pressure of what I'm going to do becomes a little bit more unavoidable.  I feel the weight of everyone's opinions resting squarely on my shoulders.  I have people telling me to attend grad school, people telling me to take conducting jobs in Flagstaff, people telling me to stay in Arizona and build a resume, people telling me to apply now, apply later, find replacements for all of the jobs and pathways that I'm currently involved in, help them figure out THEIR futures.  And at the end of the day, where does it leave me?

Nowhere.  Nowhere except watching that time gap shrink another day with no plan of escape.  It's so frustrating.

If I go to grad school, I leave Jesse behind in L.A. for two more years before we can be together. 
If I stay in Arizona, I build my resume and conducting experience but I'm not in the heart of the action (and Jesse and I continue to go long-distance).  
If I go to L.A., I get Jesse and possibly some career-starting opportunities, but I'm not in school and not working towards being a musical theatre conductor in the northeast.  
If I go somewhere in between, I'll be getting a solid education for school, but I won't know anybody, I'll be away from the people I love, and I'll be on my own to support myself.
And, oh yeah, if I go to grad school now, I'll be in debt.  No doubt about it.  If I stay in Arizona, I can try to combat that a little, but how much?
And wouldn't I love the true calling of my life to start as soon as possible, since I know what it is?  But wouldn't I want to be with the girl I love, since I know that I want and need her in my life?

Tick.  Tock.

Life's about to shatter.  I guess I should get a broom and dustpan.

Forever and Always,
-The Music Man