Current mood:	exhausted
Current music:	Say It Somehow - The Light in the Piazza

This week has been so awful.  So guilt-filled.  So exhausting.  So absolutely disheartening.  And maybe this is really just the exhaustion talking, but I feel more alone right now than I have been in a long time.  It really feels like it's me against the world right now.  And it's frustrating that I almost am personally refusing to put up a good fight.  Every day this week, I've said, "if I can just make it to tomorrow, everything will be better."  But it's not.  I've been waking up at 3 AM constantly to do homework that I either didn't have time to finish, or procrastinated on so heavily until I didn't have another option.  I have to do that again tonight.  I almost feel like this MUST be a struggle that my soul needs, or else I wouldn't continue to do it every fucking day.  Can't I just do what I'm supposed to do ONCE?  At the right time?  I see what the benefits could be, but I just ignore them.  Is this truly a lack of passion?

It could be that after a couple years of doing exactly the same thing day in and day out, with the exact same jobs and the exact same expectations for myself and everything in the universe, I've just gotten tired of the monotony.  I really want something different to happen in my life.  Something that I feel that I deserve.

This week, I found out that composition is not the preferred degree for aspiring conductors.  While trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life with a pointless degree, I also managed to not apply for scholarships, drop out of the honors college, disappoint one of my better friends, fall behind in homework, forget about my duties at church, and get scheduled for a shit-ton of work next week, including 9 hours on Halloween (5-2AM).  I can't think of a better week to validate my self-esteem.  And then tonight, I sacrificed the Office so that Adam could watch the World Series.  I know that was a little thing, but it kind of threw me mentally over the edge.  And as I just sat in silence and let him watch it, I couldn't help but wonder when life would give me my turn and grant me a little grace.

Maybe this will help me get off my ass and write music.  But I feel so incomplete right now.  So many things are missing...and I either don't know how to find them, or refuse to acknowledge that the answers are right in front of me.

It's times like this when I really miss you.  I miss the meaning that I know I have.  I don't know how I'm impacting the world anymore, and life seems trivial.

I hope it's just a funk.

Forever and Always,
-The Music Man