Current mood:	exanimate
Current music:	Sax Piece in Progress

Joey has about twice as much class as I do, and about 2-3 times the homework load, with all of his huge architecture projects.  It makes me think about how, if something's going to be your MAJOR and your CAREER PATH, then you'd better damn well like what you're doing.  Then I look at myself and I see how I complain about writing pieces when, for the most part (with a few exceptions), that's really the only major thing I'm expected to do.  And I don't really want to do it until I really get on track with it.  But for the most part, it's a struggle.  And basically, Joey would kick my ass at music if that's what he really wanted to do.  It's because he's devoted to it, and I'm really not.  I'd much rather goof off on the internet, hang out with friends, work, whatever.  I really want to be proud of my compositions, too...and for as little as I actually DO write, I'm pretty happy with what I've written.  Nothing's really a failure.  I like to think of myself as someone who's just really meticulous and who wants everything perfect, but I'm so far PAST that.  It's really like I don't want to ever succumb to anything less than perfection, EVER.  Even if I know no one else will see my work but me, or even if I don't seem that dedicated.  I can't do something half-assed.  I'm really, really trying to change the way I work on my music projects, and I'm really trying to get ahead in a lot of things so that it will free me up for music...I just hope that I will actually do what I free myself up to do, and get rid of all this pent-up frustration about my passion.  Argh.

But for as much frustration I have in music composition, I have that much JOY in muisc conducting.  I've only had three of those classes so far, and only one where I've actually used the baton, but I feel invincible when I'm conducting.  There's just something about molding and shaping music to fit my expression, and clueing everyone into how I want everybody's music to sound.  I really do feel like I'm a good teacher/authority figure when I know what I'm doing, and with a little coaching, I think I could go a long way in conducting.  The teacher is great; he keeps everyone engaged and he's hilarious, but yet, he's very focused in teaching the material at the same time.  I can't wait to get on the podium by the end of the month.  I think it's because music is SO ALIVE in my brain, but I haven't quite figured out how to articulate that yet.  I've tried performing and I get nervous that my interpretation isn't what it should be in the music.  I've tried writing, and that doesn't work because I try to make everything too perfect and too consistent instead of letting the music flow through me.  But when it's already THERE, and available to everyone including myself, and all I have to do is CONVEY it...I think I have the analytical mind to pick up subtleties in music with the passion to teach others how to find those subtleties and bring them out.  And that's why conducting is what I was put on God's Green Earth to do.  I just FEEL HAPPY when I'm in the room, with the baton.  I feel so happy.  And I feel like tests won't even seem like tests because I'll be having too much fun.  I think that's when you know you're in the right place; you feel like you don't have to gather the material as much, but rather, it's just gushing out of you.  That's where I want to be in life.  And even if I have to take two more years of a degree program where I'm not really that committed in order to be a conductor, I'd do it just so that I could experience the heaven that is doing what I really, truly love to do.

Guess who's not going to church on Sunday for the first time in over a year?  That's right!  MEEEE!  I'm taking a week off and Joey's taking my place.  Oh, sweet sweet Sunday morning sleeping in.  Maybe combined with a sweet, sweet, drunken Saturday night.  Bliss.

Forever and Always,
-The Music Man