muziklprodigee's Journal

So here's part of what really, REALLY gets me pissed off about life.

My family does not have a lot of money. My parents have been struggling to make ends meet ever since they began their married life. My dad has taken a ton of different jobs, but my parents are both ministers, so there's not a lot of money there. My dad has been a freelance writer, worked for retail (when he REALLY needed to support the family), has started up his own home church for a while in the hopes that it would possibly provide a little supplemental income, etc. Through the power of prayer, it is a miracle that my family has been able to stay afloat financially. I don't know how my parents supported 5 kids as well as themselves. It is nothing short of miraculous how we continue to stay afloat. Of course, this has meant that there has been absolutely NO money given to me to help me pay for college. Granted, I've been able to get by on scholarships, but this has only paid for tuition...any books, school supplies, and the cost of living (purchasing clothes, food, etc.) has all been up to me to provide for myself.

Now, granted, I wouldn't want anybody to help support me when I'm perfectly capable of doing so myself. I have been working through college life and I'm not complaining at all about the way I live life right now. I have a lot of pretty instant (and unhealthy) food, and I hardly ever buy clothes...and I've been working 5 jobs for 2 years. However, this has truly helped me become an independent person. I feel so much stronger out in the world than the majority of people do at my age, and I feel resourceful enough to find an answer to a problem should it ever present itself. I have experienced many emotional and mental ups and downs on this kind of a strenuous schedule throughout the years; I have gone through mental breakdowns, experienced deep depression, been absolutely elated, felt perfect and motivated, etc. I've run the gamut when it comes to my emotional state of well-being. I've had good days and incredibly bad days. But through it all, I'm most proud of myself for bringing me this far...it's been nothing short of amazing that I've been able to keep the kind of schedule that I demand to support myself while not pissing anybody off, as well as getting all the stuff done that I need to in order to maintain a respectable GPA. I feel like I'm doing everything that I can in life, and that even though I'm not blessed with a huge amount of extra luxuries or TONS of money to just throw around (even though it may seem like that at times), I feel proud to be where I am in my own stages of maturity and responsibility.

But HERE'S what really pisses me off...

I take a look at Joey and I just get so mad. Joey is incredibly smart and gets full tuition and extra to attend ASU (although the extra is probably barely enough to cover the rent of the condo we're living in). His life is incredibly BORING. He does the same things every day at the same times every day, has the same tendencies from day to day, keeps incredibly clean, does what he has to do, and if he has extra time, he'll use it to bake or MAYBE watch a movie. It's a pretty simple life. He's only had one job that he had 3 years ago over the summer. He was a filer at a private practice. He has hardly any real people skills that come from a job or from communicating with people. Outside of his family, he's uncomfortable starting a conversation with ANYONE (including me! And I've been around him for going on 9 years now!), LET ALONE a girl. Any time you ask him "Hey, Joey, how's it going?", the response is "...prrretty good." I don't think he's EVER had a bad day EVER in his life. He's so incredibly consistent; and all around me I watch his work get done, I watch him look incredibly relaxed in everything he does, and go about his life so nonchalantly, like there's nothing to it. Meanwhile, I struggle with life - I have deadlines that drive me crazy, life doesn't always go well and sometimes, I show it. But NOTHING EVER GOES WRONG FOR HIM. He is so in control of his own life. It's absolutely amazing. But in living with him for 3 years, I have discovered something: the ONLY reason that nothing can go wrong in his life is because he's only really doing the essentials. Outside of school, homework, karate, family, and the occasional playing piano for a nursing home, LIFE...REAL LIFE...is practically non-existent for Joey. And that's why he can control it! He doesn't let any outside influences get in his way.

Well, that's all well and good...but here's what I can't stand: Even though the vast majority of Joey's scholarship money goes to school and rent, he doesn't have to work. His parents will pay for everything. Weekly, he'll go shopping with them and get the supplies to make all sorts of incredible, fancy meals and delicious desserts. Every time he needs a car, his parents have an extra one. He doesn't have any variables that could even present any sort of a problem! His parents will take him out to lunch, he doesn't have to buy any new clothes or toiletries. Any time the condo needs anything (be it air freshener, dish soap, air filters...WHATEVER), his parents are right there to cover their little angel. His ass is covered in so many ways, it's unbelievable. And I'm honestly SICK of watching him get whatever he needs whenever he needs it without lifting a finger when he has the ABILITY to get a job and do everything that I'm doing for myself. I think I'm going about life the right way, and I'm really happy with my situation right now. But when I see him do everything for school so he CAN have an outstanding GPA, so he has the time to stay stress-free, etc., and then I see his parents live more than half of his independent life for him, it absolutely makes me sick. I hate him for it. I hate him. I would have no problem if he lived the amazing life he did and he EARNED it. That's one thing. But he's getting it for free. He doesn't even know how lucky he is to be living this way. The thing that really pisses me off is that he COULD work...he has a ton of extra time. He could get a part-time job almost anywhere with the GPA and the responsibility that he has. And yet, he just EXPECTS to get a girlfriend and be married by 25. He just EXPECTS for his first job to be working in an architecture firm somewhere. And you know what? Because he's gotten by on easy street, there's nothing to tell me that it won't happen for him in the future. He looks like the shinest, brightest thing out there because he hasn't been worn down by the "daily grind." Somehow, he's managed to avoid it. I really, REALLY want life to hit him hard. I REALLY want no one to be there to pick him up, just so he knows how the flip side feels like. Honestly, I feel like shit compared to how he must feel...without a REAL care in the world. It absolutely makes me sick.

And oh yeah, to add to all of this, he gets to travel all over the globe for study abroad programs (that, no doubt, his parents pay for). He got to go to Greece & Italy with ASA, and he's already been to France with study abroad. This summer, he's going to China. CHINA. There is NO WAY ON EARTH that someone like me in my situation could EVER get the opportunities that he gets. It's just not fair for all of the effort that I put in to keep myself afloat from week to week. When is my trip to China? WHEN IS IT MY FUCKING TURN?

I'm just so tired of having to deal with pristine, little virgin Joe. I hate looking at him and getting that smug smile. It's enough to make me vomit right now. I've been dealing with it for 3 years, and it's gone on too long. On one side, I'm happy because I know that I'm not like that, and I know that I'm doing something that very few college students out there can say that they're doing...I'm supporting myself 100%, with NO HELP from my parents. I feel great about that. But on the flip side, there are some students out there that get anything they want because their parents have a ton of money and would do anything to make sure that their kid doesn't have to endure an ounce of pain. Well, fuck that. I am so tired of seeing Joey and his parents come back every Sunday night as they drop him off with all of his week's supplies in hand. He's not earning anything, and even though he lives a perfect life, he's not earning my respect. Not a drop of it. I will keep living life the honest way with no rewards while he goes and gets everything he wants without thinking twice about what might happen if his safety net wasn't there. And I can only hope that for ONE MOMENT, life will smile on me for my efforts. If it can smile on Joey for the almost-nothing that he does on a daily basis, then I can have hope that maybe, one day, sometime, it can smile on me for all of the sacrifices I've made.

It's bullshit. All of it. It makes me want to not even try. I really wish that was an option.

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