Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in muziklprodigee's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009
11:14 am	Wow, it's been three months since I've posted anything and time seems to go by so fast.  What's really sad is that the older we get, the faster it seems to go by.  I wonder if that means that, as we age, we can handle all of the repercussions of how we spend our time with increasingly less emotion... As I look at my whiteboard, the same things that were there the day after school ended are still there, and I'm starting to wonder how I'm really spending my time.  Summer has been great so far; I've been to Tucson and played piano for a voice concert for students from NAU, gone to San Diego with friends and hung out on a boat in a marina across from Sea World, been a part of a handbell group that I , honestly, love to death, and tried to live my life in order to make myself feel a little bit happier. Last semester just about killed me.  I was so busy every day with jobs and stuff that it completely sucked the life out of me, and those of you who read my livejournal KNEW it.  The summer is my time to recognize that it's not fair of me to beat myself up 10 months out of the year, and that it's not fair that I do so many things for other people, but rarely do things for my own benefit.  I'm graduating from college in less than a year and I don't have hardly any of the credentials that I need to be able to apply for the next step in life, even though I've made a ton of commitments and supported myself through school, etc.  It sort of makes me feel like the "business" side of me has been completely non-existent through college.  Here I am with no money and a bunch of jobs that make other people happy; I'm not doing the things that will take me to New York for grad school, or help me to get into the pit of a Broadway Orchestra.  I'm just doing things to get by.  Well, summer is the two months out of the year I get to change that philosophy.  It's a chance to delve deep into my passions and create things that excite me, find opportunities that resuscitate my joy in being an artist, and find people who share the excitement that I do about something, ANYTHING.  And now that I've taken a month away from all of my duties during the regular year, I think I'm going to start being more productive in these areas. Cutting back on procrastination is huge, and getting myself motivated is an even bigger concern.  If I can do those things, then I will be able to accomplish SO MUCH MORE than I could have ever hoped this summer.  But I don't like writing music anymore because I just don't see the rewards of it soon enough, and I don't like exercising because I can't see results immediately, etc....so what I should be thinking is that I should try to make myself happier over the LONG TERM.  It takes more time to do that, but I'll be truly happy instead of this "fake happy" that I have right now (which is still better than how I feel over the course of the year, but nowhere near where I should be). Here's what I truly need, in the order of how I need it, over the course of the summer: 1) Money.  I need to look for scholarships so that I can get money easier than how it comes to me now (6 jobs and too much hassle), so I can quit some of those jobs so I can have more free time to pursue art. 2) Desire.  It's time to WANT to be better at the things I know I'm good at.  I'm so content with coasting through college that I haven't even though about how good I COULD be if I really tried.  And in the meantime, people with less talent are passing me by because they're more dedicated, and the last thing I want to do is watch someone else take the success that I could be having. 3) Daily goals, and the motivation to meet them.  I think I'm going to try to do around 5-10 things a day that I want to do (i.e. read a book, learn about music, practice, exercise, compose, etc.) for a short amount of time so that I feel like I'm actually DOING things this summer.  It's so often that I only think about things instead of act upon them, and so even if I do these things for just a half hour every day, at least I'll feel like I'm making steady progress. It's time to be the person I've dreamed of being.  It's time to set my aspirations higher.  It's time to focus and live a purpose-driven life.  I deserve it, I've worked hard and there should be nothing stopping me EVER.  Let's do this. And best of luck to all of you, too...because you all are incredible people and deserve the best in life, also.  But sometimes, when you draw slowly into monotony, it becomes the time to ask yourself..."what's stopping me?" The answers are out there, and all we have to do is reach. (Comment on this)
Saturday, June 20th, 2009
6:11 pm	Dear Livejournal, I promise not to neglect you so much in the near future.  As a matter of fact, I promise to write in you SO MUCH that all my livejournal friends (many who don't even use this anymore) will feel slightly annoyed...yet slightly more informed.  Hoo-rah. For now, it's off to the Biltmore.  ?!? Ciaosers, Stephen (Comment on this)
Monday, March 23rd, 2009
8:18 am	I am desperately waiting for a moment to remind me that there are so many more important and valuable things in my life besides what I have to do.  Because right now, the things that seem really important...really aren't. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, February 2nd, 2009
10:57 pm	So here's part of what really, REALLY gets me pissed off about life. My family does not have a lot of money.  My parents have been struggling to make ends meet ever since they began their married life.  My dad has taken a ton of different jobs, but my parents are both ministers, so there's not a lot of money there.  My dad has been a freelance writer, worked for retail (when he REALLY needed to support the family), has started up his own home church for a while in the hopes that it would possibly provide a little supplemental income, etc.  Through the power of prayer, it is a miracle that my family has been able to stay afloat financially.  I don't know how my parents supported 5 kids as well as themselves.  It is nothing short of miraculous how we continue to stay afloat.  Of course, this has meant that there has been absolutely NO money given to me to help me pay for college.  Granted, I've been able to get by on scholarships, but this has only paid for tuition...any books, school supplies, and the cost of living (purchasing clothes, food, etc.) has all been up to me to provide for myself. Now, granted, I wouldn't want anybody to help support me when I'm perfectly capable of doing so myself.  I have been working through college life and I'm not complaining at all about the way I live life right now.  I have a lot of pretty instant (and unhealthy) food, and I hardly ever buy clothes...and I've been working 5 jobs for 2 years.  However, this has truly helped me become an independent person.  I feel so much stronger out in the world than the majority of people do at my age, and I feel resourceful enough to find an answer to a problem should it ever present itself.  I have experienced many emotional and mental ups and downs on this kind of a strenuous schedule throughout the years; I have gone through mental breakdowns, experienced deep depression, been absolutely elated, felt perfect and motivated, etc.  I've run the gamut when it comes to my emotional state of well-being.  I've had good days and incredibly bad days.  But through it all, I'm most proud of myself for bringing me this far...it's been nothing short of amazing that I've been able to keep the kind of schedule that I demand to support myself while not pissing anybody off, as well as getting all the stuff done that I need to in order to maintain a respectable GPA.  I feel like I'm doing everything that I can in life, and that even though I'm not blessed with a huge amount of extra luxuries or TONS of money to just throw around (even though it may seem like that at times), I feel proud to be where I am in my own stages of maturity and responsibility. But HERE'S what really pisses me off... I take a look at Joey and I just get so mad.  Joey is incredibly smart and gets full tuition and extra to attend ASU (although the extra is probably barely enough to cover the rent of the condo we're living in).  His life is incredibly BORING.  He does the same things every day at the same times every day, has the same tendencies from day to day, keeps incredibly clean, does what he has to do, and if he has extra time, he'll use it to bake or MAYBE watch a movie.  It's a pretty simple life.  He's only had one job that he had 3 years ago over the summer.  He was a filer at a private practice.  He has hardly any real people skills that come from a job or from communicating with people.  Outside of his family, he's uncomfortable starting a conversation with ANYONE (including me!  And I've been around him for going on 9 years now!), LET ALONE a girl.  Any time you ask him "Hey, Joey, how's it going?", the response is "...prrretty good."  I don't think he's EVER had a bad day EVER in his life.  He's so incredibly consistent; and all around me I watch his work get done, I watch him look incredibly relaxed in everything he does, and go about his life so nonchalantly, like there's nothing to it.  Meanwhile, I struggle with life - I have deadlines that drive me crazy, life doesn't always go well and sometimes, I show it.  But NOTHING EVER GOES WRONG FOR HIM.  He is so in control of his own life.  It's absolutely amazing.  But in living with him for 3 years, I have discovered something: the ONLY reason that nothing can go wrong in his life is because he's only really doing the essentials.  Outside of school, homework, karate, family, and the occasional playing piano for a nursing home, LIFE...REAL LIFE...is practically non-existent for Joey.  And that's why he can control it!  He doesn't let any outside influences get in his way. Well, that's all well and good...but here's what I can't stand: Even though the vast majority of Joey's scholarship money goes to school and rent, he doesn't have to work.  His parents will pay for everything.  Weekly, he'll go shopping with them and get the supplies to make all sorts of incredible, fancy meals and delicious desserts.  Every time he needs a car, his parents have an extra one.  He doesn't have any variables that could even present any sort of a problem!  His parents will take him out to lunch, he doesn't have to buy any new clothes or toiletries.  Any time the condo needs anything (be it air freshener, dish soap, air filters...WHATEVER), his parents are right there to cover their little angel.  His ass is covered in so many ways, it's unbelievable.  And I'm honestly SICK of watching him get whatever he needs whenever he needs it without lifting a finger when he has the ABILITY to get a job and do everything that I'm doing for myself.  I think I'm going about life the right way, and I'm really happy with my situation right now.  But when I see him do everything for school so he CAN have an outstanding GPA, so he has the time to stay stress-free, etc., and then I see his parents live more than half of his independent life for him, it absolutely makes me sick.  I hate him for it.  I hate him.  I would have no problem if he lived the amazing life he did and he EARNED it.  That's one thing.  But he's getting it for free.  He doesn't even know how lucky he is to be living this way.  The thing that really pisses me off is that he COULD work...he has a ton of extra time.  He could get a part-time job almost anywhere with the GPA and the responsibility that he has.  And yet, he just EXPECTS to get a girlfriend and be married by 25.  He just EXPECTS for his first job to be working in an architecture firm somewhere.  And you know what?  Because he's gotten by on easy street, there's nothing to tell me that it won't happen for him in the future.  He looks like the shinest, brightest thing out there because he hasn't been worn down by the "daily grind."  Somehow, he's managed to avoid it.  I really, REALLY want life to hit him hard.  I REALLY want no one to be there to pick him up, just so he knows how the flip side feels like.  Honestly, I feel like shit compared to how he must feel...without a REAL care in the world.  It absolutely makes me sick.   And oh yeah, to add to all of this, he gets to travel all over the globe for study abroad programs (that, no doubt, his parents pay for).  He got to go to Greece & Italy with ASA, and he's already been to France with study abroad.  This summer, he's going to China.  CHINA.  There is NO WAY ON EARTH that someone like me in my situation could EVER get the opportunities that he gets.  It's just not fair for all of the effort that I put in to keep myself afloat from week to week.  When is my trip to China?  WHEN IS IT MY FUCKING TURN? I'm just so tired of having to deal with pristine, little virgin Joe.  I hate looking at him and getting that smug smile.  It's enough to make me vomit right now.  I've been dealing with it for 3 years, and it's gone on too long.  On one side, I'm happy because I know that I'm not like that, and I know that I'm doing something that very few college students out there can say that they're doing...I'm supporting myself 100%, with NO HELP from my parents.  I feel great about that.  But on the flip side, there are some students out there that get anything they want because their parents have a ton of money and would do anything to make sure that their kid doesn't have to endure an ounce of pain.  Well, fuck that.  I am so tired of seeing Joey and his parents come back every Sunday night as they drop him off with all of his week's supplies in hand.  He's not earning anything, and even though he lives a perfect life, he's not earning my respect.  Not a drop of it.  I will keep living life the honest way with no rewards while he goes and gets everything he wants without thinking twice about what might happen if his safety net wasn't there.  And I can only hope that for ONE MOMENT, life will smile on me for my efforts.  If it can smile on Joey for the almost-nothing that he does on a daily basis, then I can have hope that maybe, one day, sometime, it can smile on me for all of the sacrifices I've made. It's bullshit.  All of it.  It makes me want to not even try.  I really wish that was an option. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, January 10th, 2009
12:06 pm	I just looked at my last entry (which was really short), promising to write more when I actually had the time.  And I think it's really funny that I finally ACTUALLY have the time, the freedom, and the peace of mind to write my next entry exactly one month later...no more, no less.  That's a really long for my sanity to be restored, but that's kind of my life right now. Since my last REAL post, it's amazing how much has happened in my life and in the jobs that I have.  Essentially, all of my jobs got super crazy all at the same time, and I spent about a full week straight in early December working for about 14 hours every day, if you include school and all of the stuff that I actually had to do.  After that, I just couldn't take it anymore.  I've typically been able to handle the 6 jobs that I have with pretty amazing regularity.  If you're wondering, the 6 jobs are In-N-Out Burger, ASU ushering, music ministering at the Episcopal Church of the Transfiguration in Mesa, accompanying for Detour Theater, accompanying for Shadow Mountain High School, and accompanying 4 voice students at Arizona State University.  I also do little gig-like things, like playing for another episcopal church on the night of the 4th Sunday of every month.  WELL, after that stretch of working for what seemed like forever, I slept in accidentally because my body needed it...and in the process, I missed a shift for one of my jobs completely, which prompted a call from my boss saying that he hoped I didn't get in a car accident on the way to the job.  After that, I decided that I just couldn't keep up with everything I was doing.  I dropped In-N-Out Burger on the 27th of December.  I didn't want to, but I had to...and I have to accept that my time will get taken up with my other jobs.  It was great working so much - I loved the money, and I really did love the people and the job itself, but it was just getting too crazy to go to 3 or 4 different venues per day for a minimum of 3 hours each.  Can I really expect that much out of myself?  And is it fair to my employers to expect 100% out of me everywhere I go if I work this much? So I quit INO after the holiday season.  And I thought things would be less stressful, but instead, I was exactly right saying that my time would get filled up with other stuff.  The director of Shadow Mountain called me and wants me to get a substitute's certificate so that I can actually go down and help TEACH when he's absent, which is a lot this semester, apparently.  I've already been there for 4 full days so far in January, and it looks like I'll be there for about another week during the month.  I have 60 students to play for during Solo/Ensemble and Regional festivals.  60!  Remember when we thought it was bad to be in more than 2 things?  ...Or even just to BE there for the day?  I am going to feel so drained after playing for 60 students.  But I do it because it's my job and because I don't have much choice.  The worst part is that I won't even be getting paid any extra for it because it's part of my regular yearly contract.  AHHHHHHHHHHH! In other news, now that I'm going to have a little more time on the weekends after quitting INO, I decided that I am going to rejoin the handbell world.  Hopefully, being in a professional group will restore my musical sense of self that I feel like I am losing every day.  It will be fun to be a part of a group that is self-directed and picks great repetoire. As far as any love life is concerned, I find that I attract a lot of "clingers" - people that love me much more than I will ever love them back.  It's really starting to get uncomfortale for me, but I don't want to be cold to anybody...it's part of my nature.  It's really, REALLY difficult to find a balance between being nice to someone and not seeming like I'm interested in that person.  I don't want to give mixed signals, but I don't want to be awful and give someone a cold shoulder, either.  Do I just continue to do what I do and hope that their unabashed affections will just wear off?  I've got 3 people that I have to "fend off" without hurting them.  Is this right?  Or by trying to be nice, am I just hurting them anyway? Maybe the best thing to do with my love life is actually find a girl that I'm interested in and get in a relationship.  I think that would tell the clingers to stop trying.  But with who?  And do I even have enough time to support an interest of my own?  I definitely have a couple of people in mind, but I need to decide what I want first.  And that's one of the hardest things for me to do. What I really LOVE about the world is that if you don't like the way information is being taught to you, YOU have the freedom to change the way you see the world and put it in terms that you understand.  Since the vast majority of information comes in opinions of varying strengths, no one is stopping anybody from taking that information and spinning perspectives.  In this way, life can be seen as a constantly-changing curriculum.  You pick it, you organize it, and you construct it in your mind the way you want so that it makes sense to you.  And the product is not necessarily talent or extraordinary wisdom or anything - it's the same knowledge that anyone can readily receive, but organized in a way that makes more sense than what others' attempts have culminated to.  I don't think this should be special in any way, because we all are capable of achieving greatness in any field, and life really is what we PERCEIVE it to be. If anybody wants something to do between now and next week, I have a favor to ask.  Research and look at the piece of art called Inside Down, Upside Out (it's currently at the Phoenix Art Museum)...and give me your thoughts and opinions about the piece.  I have to write a string quartet based on the work, and I'm having trouble finding my inspiration. Thanks.  Those of you who are still reading this are some of the gretaest friends I have.  I love you all and miss you deeply. Forever and Always, -The Music Man (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 10th, 2008
1:32 pm	I promise I'll write again soon when I have time.  I have literally been working 14-hour days straight for the last 2 weeks (including school and all my gigs and such).  I've had only a couple hours of free time per day and am averaging about 4 hours sleep per night in those weeks, but as soon as the weekend and next week hits, I promise I'll be more available.  Post coming soon! (Comment on this)
Thursday, October 23rd, 2008
8:44 pm	This week has been so awful.  So guilt-filled.  So exhausting.  So absolutely disheartening.  And maybe this is really just the exhaustion talking, but I feel more alone right now than I have been in a long time.  It really feels like it's me against the world right now.  And it's frustrating that I almost am personally refusing to put up a good fight.  Every day this week, I've said, "if I can just make it to tomorrow, everything will be better."  But it's not.  I've been waking up at 3 AM constantly to do homework that I either didn't have time to finish, or procrastinated on so heavily until I didn't have another option.  I have to do that again tonight.  I almost feel like this MUST be a struggle that my soul needs, or else I wouldn't continue to do it every fucking day.  Can't I just do what I'm supposed to do ONCE?  At the right time?  I see what the benefits could be, but I just ignore them.  Is this truly a lack of passion? It could be that after a couple years of doing exactly the same thing day in and day out, with the exact same jobs and the exact same expectations for myself and everything in the universe, I've just gotten tired of the monotony.  I really want something different to happen in my life.  Something that I feel that I deserve. This week, I found out that composition is not the preferred degree for aspiring conductors.  While trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life with a pointless degree, I also managed to not apply for scholarships, drop out of the honors college, disappoint one of my better friends, fall behind in homework, forget about my duties at church, and get scheduled for a shit-ton of work next week, including 9 hours on Halloween (5-2AM).  I can't think of a better week to validate my self-esteem.  And then tonight, I sacrificed the Office so that Adam could watch the World Series.  I know that was a little thing, but it kind of threw me mentally over the edge.  And as I just sat in silence and let him watch it, I couldn't help but wonder when life would give me my turn and grant me a little grace. Maybe this will help me get off my ass and write music.  But I feel so incomplete right now.  So many things are missing...and I either don't know how to find them, or refuse to acknowledge that the answers are right in front of me. It's times like this when I really miss you.  I miss the meaning that I know I have.  I don't know how I'm impacting the world anymore, and life seems trivial. I hope it's just a funk. Forever and Always, -The Music Man Current Mood: exhausted Current Music: Say It Somehow - The Light in the Piazza (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 21st, 2008
11:31 am	Hello, world! So I have taken procrastination to the NEXT level (if there even WAS a next level).  I don't even get started on things the night before they're due anymore.  What do I do?  Sleep, wake up at 3 in the morning (give or take depending on the project), and do it then!  I wrote a 5-page paper at 4:30 in the morning today.  Took me 2 hours, I was out the door at 7:15 having showered and eaten cereal, and I was in my seat promptly for my 7:30 class.  It works!  But I think that if I'm going to keep doing it, it might really start to take a toll on my mental health. Oh well.  I've had a lot to catch up on this week, anyway.  After Jeremy's party, I just kind of...fell way behind because I didn't do anything that whole weekend.  I've spent the last week and a half trying to play catch-up.  At the very least, I see the light at the end of the tunnel now.  It could be as close as 2 days away, which makes me really excited!  Then I'll be good on homework for like, almost a full week, and I'll be able to relax and get cracking on the big projects that the semester likes to throw at me. Kristen and I are trying much harder to hang out separately from the rest of her friends.  I bug her on Mondays for like, an hour during the day and it's cool because she's just practicing in a room somewhere, and I'll go and interrupt her randomly.  She says she likes it, so I'm not going to stop.  But yeah, there's that and the fact that she wants to get together sometime, but she just doesn't have a whole lot of free time.  I definitely know how that goes. Halloween party on the 31st!  I might be working (I'll find out today), but Joey's friends and Adam's friends will be there so you should, too!  And I won't be working the WHOLE night...I'll be free probably anytime between 9-11...ish.  And the party goes till 1, at least.  It's a Friday, who knows how long it will go?  Anyway, we facebook-invited about 120 people between the 3 of us, so hopefully we'll get a good turnout.  Just show up around 8 and have fun :) Alright, that's it for now.  Back to work. (Comment on this)
Sunday, September 21st, 2008
8:50 pm	So I was going to do a ton of homework tonight to get even FURTHER ahead of where I am right now (like a week, week and a half ahead)...but I think it's wise for me to not get too far ahead of my work, or I won't remember things for quizzes and tests.  So instead, I'm going to write a little bit because lots has happened in the last few weeks.  I guess I'll start with people and relationships... So this last week, I've tried to put myself into some different situations and meet different crowds to broaden my social horizons.  And it worked!  I know people at In-N-Out now that I didn't know before, and I also was able to go to a couple of parties and other concerts and meet a lot of new faces.  I have expanded my networking to include more accompanying students, and I'm getting to know other people in the vocalist departments, as well as other professors, people in my major, etc.  And well, I've come to realize that I can be a pretty cool person to be around.  That's something that I never thought I'd say, but I've finally gotten over the need to seem "right" all the time to people.  So I'm just relaxing and trying to be the best "me" that I can be.  Having no stress because of school really helps with that.  But I've learned that you can go really far in life and relationships by just being genuine to (and around) people.  Also, it helps to not be afraid of people, because the truth is, they're all like you, and they're all just as unsure of themselves in many aspects like you are.  And I think that we could all use people to help us find ourselves and help to give us a little more definition in life.  So that's mainly where my focus is: trying to expand myself to find good people to help me feel like I belong in life.  And by belong, I mean FIT, not just simply EXIST on Earth. Mostly, ironically enough, these relationships have been with women.  And it's amazing how just last week, I had no real "interests" in my personal, romantic life...and how all of that can change so quickly.  I don't even know what I did!  I guess I relaxed a lot, and I think that people can just sense when you're more relaxed and confident.  I didn't realize that confidence could do so much for a person.  But anyway, I went from having no interests to 3 or 4 in like, a week.  And now I feel stuck.  Here's my situation, girl-by-girl: ( My Woman Situation ) So anyway, there are my prospects.  But honestly, I feel like I'm in such a good place right now that I'm not even sure I want to be in an exclusive relationship.  Kelly and I have kind of already started down that path, though.  Should I tell her that maybe I just want a relaxed, more open relationship?  I don't even know what an "open relationship" is...I've just seen it on facebook.  But it sounds like something I might want to pursue, since I'm getting all of these options and I kind of want to explore them all!  I don't want to leave someone behind and miss out on great chemistry because I was too committed to a single person.  And even though it might hurt Kelly's feelings to tell her that, it's probably better to do it sooner rather than later.  I just want to be able to go to lunch with Char or meet up with Aly for ice cream perhaps, or study with Kristen without things seeming awkward.  I feel like I owe that to myself, especially since it took me so long to get over Cait and start to feel good about myself again. As a random, quick little side note: I've noticed that whenever I introduce myself to somebody and they ask me my name, I say "I'm Stephen, sorry."  SORRY?  I say SORRY when I introduce myself to people?!  I just realized it tonight when I was talking to Aly for the first time because she said, "Nice to meet you, no sorry..." and continued talking to me.  Am I really that low in my self-esteem STILL to the point where I have to apologize when I meet someone?  I just think it says a lot about me that I've been doing that with a lot of people that I get introduced to.  What does that say about me?  It can't be good for my perceived confidence level.  I'll definitely try to change that. Life's been good to me so far this semester.  School is manageable and I finally know what I want to do with my life (musical theater conducting)...work is manageable, and I've done better with requesting days off so I don't get filled with crazy amounts of stress...I've organized volleyball games and parties at the condo...I've spent more time with family...and I'm caught up on all my finances after like, $1500 spending on my car in the last 3 months!  So I really feel good and I have no reason to hide myself from anybody right now!  It's such a good feeling to seem healthy for once.  Really, TRULY healthy. Honestly, I couldn't ask for anything more out of life right now, except maybe a closer relationship with God since He pretty much made me feel this good about myself.  I kind of owe him a lot right now :)  Oh, and THE OFFICE STARTS THIS THURSDAY!!  And it's an hour-long episode!  AND there are 28 episodes this season!  I'm so excited!  This is going to be an awesome year.  Hopefully I'll remember this post when things turn to shit. Alright, I'll stop talking. Forever and Always, -The Music Man EDIT: So I thought I had saved Aly's number in my phone tonight, but when I went to text her, I couldn't find her in my number in my phone!!  I must have pressed a totally wrong button... :( Oh well.  If, by chance, we happen to meet up again, it will truly be because of divine providence lol Current Mood: happy Current Music: Sing a Song - Earth, Wind, and Fire (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 11th, 2008
8:16 am	This is my first time attempting a 7:30 class at school in any semester.  Well, today was my first failure; I woke up at 6:55, slammed off my alarm, thought about getting up...and went back to sleep until 8:15.  That class only gives me 2 or 3 unexcused absences, so that one was a complete waste.  Hopefully I don't blow the other ones... Note to self: You don't function well on back-to-back nights with less than 5 hours of sleep.  Go to bed around 11:00 on Monday and Wednesday! Now I've got to actually get ready for my next class in the hopes that I'll still catch it! (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 3rd, 2008
11:31 pm	Joey has about twice as much class as I do, and about 2-3 times the homework load, with all of his huge architecture projects.  It makes me think about how, if something's going to be your MAJOR and your CAREER PATH, then you'd better damn well like what you're doing.  Then I look at myself and I see how I complain about writing pieces when, for the most part (with a few exceptions), that's really the only major thing I'm expected to do.  And I don't really want to do it until I really get on track with it.  But for the most part, it's a struggle.  And basically, Joey would kick my ass at music if that's what he really wanted to do.  It's because he's devoted to it, and I'm really not.  I'd much rather goof off on the internet, hang out with friends, work, whatever.  I really want to be proud of my compositions, too...and for as little as I actually DO write, I'm pretty happy with what I've written.  Nothing's really a failure.  I like to think of myself as someone who's just really meticulous and who wants everything perfect, but I'm so far PAST that.  It's really like I don't want to ever succumb to anything less than perfection, EVER.  Even if I know no one else will see my work but me, or even if I don't seem that dedicated.  I can't do something half-assed.  I'm really, really trying to change the way I work on my music projects, and I'm really trying to get ahead in a lot of things so that it will free me up for music...I just hope that I will actually do what I free myself up to do, and get rid of all this pent-up frustration about my passion.  Argh. But for as much frustration I have in music composition, I have that much JOY in muisc conducting.  I've only had three of those classes so far, and only one where I've actually used the baton, but I feel invincible when I'm conducting.  There's just something about molding and shaping music to fit my expression, and clueing everyone into how I want everybody's music to sound.  I really do feel like I'm a good teacher/authority figure when I know what I'm doing, and with a little coaching, I think I could go a long way in conducting.  The teacher is great; he keeps everyone engaged and he's hilarious, but yet, he's very focused in teaching the material at the same time.  I can't wait to get on the podium by the end of the month.  I think it's because music is SO ALIVE in my brain, but I haven't quite figured out how to articulate that yet.  I've tried performing and I get nervous that my interpretation isn't what it should be in the music.  I've tried writing, and that doesn't work because I try to make everything too perfect and too consistent instead of letting the music flow through me.  But when it's already THERE, and available to everyone including myself, and all I have to do is CONVEY it...I think I have the analytical mind to pick up subtleties in music with the passion to teach others how to find those subtleties and bring them out.  And that's why conducting is what I was put on God's Green Earth to do.  I just FEEL HAPPY when I'm in the room, with the baton.  I feel so happy.  And I feel like tests won't even seem like tests because I'll be having too much fun.  I think that's when you know you're in the right place; you feel like you don't have to gather the material as much, but rather, it's just gushing out of you.  That's where I want to be in life.  And even if I have to take two more years of a degree program where I'm not really that committed in order to be a conductor, I'd do it just so that I could experience the heaven that is doing what I really, truly love to do. Guess who's not going to church on Sunday for the first time in over a year?  That's right!  MEEEE!  I'm taking a week off and Joey's taking my place.  Oh, sweet sweet Sunday morning sleeping in.  Maybe combined with a sweet, sweet, drunken Saturday night.  Bliss. Forever and Always, -The Music Man Current Mood: exanimate Current Music: Sax Piece in Progress (Comment on this)
Thursday, August 28th, 2008
12:16 pm	School has been fine so far.  What I'm really trying to work on is eliminate my procrastination habits in all of my classes except for composition (which is tough to eliminate because of writer's block and the ebb and flow of creativity).  But now, when I get an assignment, I mark it down immediately and I go to work once I get home.  Typically, I don't stop until all of the easy things that CAN be done ARE done.  I think I have a pretty good system.  I put everything down on my whiteboard into a huge, gigantic mess, and then I prioritize everything on it by color-coded stars.  Different stars mean that I CAN get the activity done on certain days...some things I have starred for today, others for tomorrow, others when the rest of my textbooks come in, etc.  The goal is to always get today's stuff done, and at least most of tomorrow's.  Soon, I'll have completed all of the things that have been piling up on "today" and "tomorrow," so I'll start working on things past that.  And before I know it, I'll have a habit of working on things at least four or five days ahead of time.  The trick is to not get too far ahead on everything, though, because there can be material relapses and then what you thought you learned gets shoved in the back of your brain and you can't recall it (or, in some cases, it gets shoved COMPLETELY OUT of your brain). So anyways, I'm trying to do that.  Hopefully, it should free up some more time to write music and hang out with friends as much as I can.  I'm still working an awful lot, but it's about the same as last year, and I felt borderline overwhelmed last year.  But the difference between last year and this year is my goal of not procrastinating.  If I free up the time, I should just FEEL healthier.  And that's what I want to do this year.  Live HEALTHILY and content. I had a huge problem with money yesterday, but today I got an unexpectedly bigger check from In-N-Out than what I've been accustomed to, and I have absolutely no idea why!  I guess I've been working more?  But yeah, thankfully, my rent is covered...and then after my other paychecks in early September, my mid-month bills will be covered and I can focus on paying off my speeding ticket and new tires for my car.  Then my funds will be depleted again, but at least I'll be able to start buying food. Conducting is BY FAR the best class I've had in a long time.  I feel so at home when I conduct...I find myself agreeing with everything my professor says, and always anxious to try and to learn.  Like a healthy student.  I'm not afraid of failing, I just want to get better and better at it, constantly improving throughout my whole life.  I want to be taught it forever.  ... I wonder if it should be my major.  Curse you, ASU, and your lack of conducting undergraduate programs. All in all, I should be fine this semester.  As long as everything gets done in its time, I should be fine.  And maybe I can get a little deeper in exploring who I really am and what I really like to do.  We can only hope. Forever and Always, -The Music Man Current Mood: calm Current Music: On the Street Where You Live - My Fair Lady (Comment on this)
Saturday, August 23rd, 2008
4:54 pm	So I just found out like 5 minutes ago that one of my ex-girlfriends is pregnant.  She's younger than ME.  It sucks how we think that getting older will grant us more freedom and more opportunity, but really, it just gives us bigger problems. Overall, the summer has been exactly what I hoped it would be!  Time to get out and relax, work, and get back to truly being myself after an awkward sophomore year.  I got almost 3 months to myself in my condo, took a few trips, burned over $1500 in savings, and hung out with a lot of people that I usually don't see very often anymore (but others that I do).  I got close to a few people that I didn't expect to get close to, and dropped out of contact with others that I never thought would leave my life.  But I feel that my friendships have strengthened and I'm much closer to being "me."  And I think that in an ever-changing, confusing world, that's all I could have hoped to do. I don't know if I talked about my road trip to California with a couple of friends in my last entry, but I'll talk about it now.  I don't know how a trip can include Sea World, Disneyland, and Magic Mountain and still suck,  but that's what happened.  Andrew and Kelly were all over each other the whole trip, and I was basically treated as a third wheel.  Of course, throw in that I'm still not quite sure who I am or what I want in a relationship, mix it with a couple that's incredibly confident in themselves and in each other, and you get an incredible amount of awkwardness.  And there was no need for Andrew to call me a dipshit at Sea World when the trip was 2/3 over, just to top off my frustration.  He didn't have to invite me at all, and it was hardly like I was even there anyway, so to make me feel completely unappreciated was just uncalled for.  He's an incredibly confrontational person, so most of everything that I said was thrown back at me with plenty of reasons why my opinions were incorrect.  Even when I gave him suggestions about neat songs to sing and I gave him headphones to listen to them, he wouldn't even listen to the whole songs...he wasn't paying attention or giving value to me.  And I feel really bad for Kelly because she puts up with his crap and clings by his side no matter how demanding and unappreciative he is.  Probably just because she likes the sex or something.  But still, hanging out with them was no fun with no acknowledgment and no attempt to make it seem like I was even an equal in their presence.  The last 3 days of the trip, I was almost in complete silence.  I didn't want to talk to them at all, and I didn't want to do anything with them.  But since it was my parents' car that we were using, I was the chauffeur.  I was supposed to stay with them an extra day, but I just dropped them off at Havasu City and basically told them that I had to leave.  I couldn't stand another moment with them.  And it sucks because Kelly's a great person, and I like her a lot...and Andrew has good qualities.  But together, I hated the collective "them" so much. But if you'd like to go on a better road trip with me sometime, then hit me up either this winter or next summer and we'll do something epic! I'm broke right now.  2 days ago, I was looking at my bank balance wondering how I was going to make it past the first month of school.  And even though I'm still like that, I got a call 2 days ago that asked me to come into In-N-Out to work that night.  Then, that night, someone asked me to work the next day.  And the following night, I got a call asking me to come in for 6 hours tonight.  So hopefully, this paycheck will come in during mid-September, right as my funds shrivel away to nothing.  Once I start getting my Shadow Mountain checks in mid-September for doing practically nothing, all will be well. Goodbye to all my friends that are leaving again this semester!  I'll miss you deeply :) And as for me getting back into the school routine?  I think it's about time.  Hopefully, I can really start pursuing conducting and composition this year.  When I got into college, I told myself that by junior year, I'd be done with most of my pre-requisites and I'd be heading into the stuff that I truly enjoy.  If I can keep that mindset through the semester, I might just be able to make some decent progress instead of loafing around like I did the first two years. Forever and Always, -The Music Man Current Mood: Sunburned (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, August 14th, 2008
11:02 am	Joey and Adam have moved in, and I'm automatically so much more uncomfortable than I was just a couple of days ago.  I don't know what it is about me, but I over-analyze everything that other people do while they're in my presence.  I make note of weird habits, any inconsistencies, the way that they organize things, what they eat, how they eat, when they shower, etc.  And then my mind takes all of that information and uses it to tell me how weird they are because of how different they are from me.  It's really awful, but it's totally subconscious, and it just takes over.  I've been forced for years to figure out how I'm going to adjust my life based on how other people around me act, but I'm getting tired of that.  I guess that I'm just annoyed now. But everybody pretty much keeps to themselves out of the three of us.  I am always in the mindset that there's really nothing to say to other people unless it's a bigger deal, so I have always kept to myself pretty well.  Joey just goes about his business (what he's actually DOING with his time, I have no idea), and Adam's usually on the internet.  We're all well-behaved.  There are just some things I've begun to notice that I think are interesting: 1. Joey slurps his food.  Sucks and slurps.  Noodles, soup, cereal - anything that isn't quite 100% solid.  Audibly.  And he has a tendency to chew with his mouth open sometimes.  It bothered me from the beginning last year, and now I pretty much need to go to a different room when he's eating just so I can focus on something else.  I'm convinced that it will drive me crazy by the end of my time here, however long that is. 2. Adam plays music, but really, only when we're not around.  Joey and I went to a sporting store yesterday to buy Joey some goggles, and when we came back, he was playing music.  He also will play when we're both on the 3rd floor and he's on the bottom floor.  So clearly, he needs space to be able to play music.  He also will play electric bass in his room with his amp on, which isn't a big deal.  Personally, I find it soothing a little bit. 3. Adam makes bad jokes.  TERRIBLE jokes.  Not disgusting or dirty or vile bad jokes, just...bad ones.  That nobody understands.  To try to get attention.  Ugh. 4. There is no easily-prepared food in my whole house, other than what I buy.  When Joey moved in, he threw away a lot of my easily-edible food to make room for all of his food.  And it all takes at least 30-60 minutes to prepare!  I'm a completely polar opposite.  I will enjoy cooking with my future wife, whoever she is, and I think I'm a good assistant in the kitchen.  But when I want food, I want food NOW.  Living at home in high school, there was ALWAYS snacky food or leftovers that I could just pick up and eat.  I don't even waste time with preheating things anymore.  I'll eat stuff cold, I don't care.  But here, there's nothing.  There's like, lentils and oatmeal in the cupboard, only insane organic foods that I would feel guilty eating because they bought it,  a ton of fruits and vegetables, and more frozen chicken, shrimp, and fish than we have room for in the freezer.  First off, how are they going to eat all of that stuff before it goes bad?  Our refrigerator is PACKED!  Secondly, if the refrigerator is PACKED with stuff that I would feel guilty eating (or don't want to take the time to prepare), then how do I even go shopping for the easy stuff?  There's no room for it. 5. Joey is OCD about a lot of stuff.  This just weirds me out.  He'll act fine about everything - the temperature in the air, the cleanliness of the house (and the kitchen in particular), and the organization of foods in the fridge.  But try doing something different - drop the air by one degree, rearrange the food in the kitchen, put something where it doesn't belong - and I swear to God, one second later, it will be back the way he wants it.  He is controlled by his mom, and the way she does things.  It's unbelievable.  So basically, nobody else can live the way they want to in the house because it's Joey's house. Granted, they do good things.  Joey's the only one of us who will deep-clean regularly (and as far as I know, he hasn't gotten mad at me yet for not helping him).  I usually just stay out of his way because things will be done the way he wants them done, or not at all.  I know that Adam generally likes to stay clean, but the kid is a rabbit.  In 2 days, I haven't seen him eat anything other than fruits and vegetables.  It's unbelievable.  And then there's me.  I like to try to be a little bit more normal.  I mix my days up, I have different routines, and I like to be a normal, lazy kid.  It keeps me SANE.  But seriously, if I can't put easy junk food in the cupboard soon, I'm gonna go NUTS. Alright, there's my vent. In other news, I had a "date" with Kristen Whitworth the other day!  She just got back from England and said she had fully recuperated from the trip, so we had an olympic party!  She had her house to herself the whole week, so a couple nights ago, I went over around 7:30, we played board games and card games, and just watched the Olympics.  I thought I was going to be gone right after primetime ended, but I stayed and talked to her until 1:30 in the morning!  It was great.  I'm so happy to have her in my life as a good friend right now.  We talked about what she looks for in a relationship, too, and other things like that, so I feel privileged that I've gotten to know her better. School starts in 2 weeks, and if I don't compose, my professor will eat me.  So I guess I'll try and do that soon. Forever and Always, -The Music Man Current Mood: annoyed Current Music: That new Coldplay song with the cool beat (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 18th, 2008
12:24 pm	I don't think I've ever been to the grocery store and REMEMBERED EVERYTHING that I had to buy.  I went last night and forgot the one thing that I went there to buy in the first place.  It's amazing how that happens...even when I make a list. Chicago was amazing!!  See the pictures on my facebook!  Best parts include the two-foot hot dog at Wrigley Field and the #3-ranked minigolf course in the country, but all of it was great! This summer of no excuses thing has really turned into more of a social experiment than I thought it was going to be.  It's amazing how I've actually been able to keep this up every day of the summer!  I mean, there have been days when I haven't hung out with people, but only because I was either working for more than 6 hours that day, or I was at church (followed by work).  So basically, I've either been busy, or I've been hanging out with friends! Back to the experiment, though...it's amazing how after one and a half months of being incredibly socially productive, how events just sort of seem to plan themselves now.  Like, before, I had to call everyone and really make a large effort to be noticed enough to plan something with a friend.  But now that I've established myself as a person who not only wants to do something every day, but IS doing something every day?  It's funny how people are automatically making me a part of their plans now for some things.  I've actually been really surprised!  Like, for example, this week, I've been busy every day.  Monday, I was a part of making plans for the amazing coupon run with Alix, Erin, Mark, and Richard, but I wasn't an integral planning part of last Saturday's party, today's baseball game, tomorrow's production of My Fair Lady at Gammage, my dad's birthday party on Friday, or this upcoming party on Saturday.  People called me!  I think it's amazing what a little bit of ambitious social effort can produce.  Let that be a lesson to all of you people who claim you're bored every day and wish there was something to do. Except, I CAN tell you this...it's making me broke.  Fast.  In-N-Out has had to scale back everybody's hours because the business relies on ASU students who go home during the summers, so I'm only working 10 hours there per week on a good week.  15 would be great, but I don't know if they can even scale me up that much.  The church job is great, but all of that money ends up being used to pay my rent and car bills.  And INO is responsible for all the other stuff - cell phone, gas money, food, and fun.  But with gas money costing me double what it did in September, and the price of food rising, and with all this fun I'm having, it's getting hard to reasonably manage my money.  I knew that my savings was going to take a dip this summer - and for all of the fun I've had, it's been worth it - but I didn't know it would be this soon before I started to worry a little bit.  Hopefully, money will come from the external places that it's supposed to come from (Wedding money from last November, commission money for string quartet, extra services at church), and I will be able to breathe a little bit before the semester starts again. At least I'm making a ton of memories and taking my camera along to capture them!  And now that I can finally upload pictures to facebook, I have a reason to take more pictures!  So things are looking up, and hopefully, if all goes well, I'll have my MOST MEMORABLE SUMMER EVER!! Oh, and we need to have another breakfast party.  Let me know when everyone's available and we'll chow down. Forever and Always, -The Music Man (Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 10th, 2008
1:24 am	Oh, Facebook... I just wanted to make known to all of my ASA former-band-geek friends that I am now a facebook friend with one Mr. Nick Burdick. That is all. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, June 6th, 2008
6:54 am	Update: Summer of No Excuses Summer so far has been FANTASTIC!  Granted, I haven't done anything worthwhile to advance myself as a musician, but still...I'm hanging out with people who I deem important, so that's worth noting.  I have officially dubbed this summer the "summer of no excuses" because there is finally no reason for me to not go out and be with people every day of vacation!  I told myself that money was no object, but we'll see how long that lasts (especially if I do any more turnaround trips to California...that can get pretty expensive, I learned). Six Flags is AMAZING!  I'm so glad they decided not to shut it down last year!  Thanks to Richard for spontaneously deciding that we needed to do something "epic", and thanks to my awesome cousin John and amazing brother Justin (& his totally cool girlfriend Julie) for tagging along on incredibly short notice!  John even took the day off work for it, calling his boss at 9 P.M. to let her know that he wouldn't be in the next day.  Now THAT'S what I'm talking about with the "summer of no excuses" thing! I also give myself mad props for conquering my fears of heights and roller coasters finally!  I feel like my heights fear is really shrinking and that if I can go on every important ride at Six Flags Magic Mountain, I have definitely conquered the roller coaster one.  I had to make sure I got myself a season pass so that I can go multiple times between now and the end of the year!  Also, if people randomly want to tag along next time, let me know, because it really wasn't that hard to do at all. Also, side note to breakfast party people: that needs to happen again really really soon!  What a cool day!  It was better than completely abandoning everything after scratching the Salt River Tubing idea. Other ideas for the summer include, but are by no means limited to, the following: Sunsplash/Waterworld/Big Surf, tubing (for reals this time), bowling, laser tag, sleepovers, other meal parties/barbecues, volleyball games, walks down Mill Avenue, turnaround trips to other states/Disneyland, etc.  Please let me know if you can do any of these because my summer of excuses still has 2 and a half months left! But now that I've had a little time to unwind from school and intense musical pressures, it's time to start things up again as well, so I've decided that it's time to set goals for myself again.  The top priorities are exercise and finishing up a string quartet, as well as trying to find my passion in music (and composition).  I think that I still have my passion for it, but it's been suppressed so much because I don't want to seem like a nut who's crazy about their art, so much so that they don't have any time for anyone else.  It's really hard to balance the two.  On the one hand, I don't want to feel like I've lost my connection with music completely (and I don't think I have), but it doesn't mean the same to me as it did when I was 15 and really passionate about my writing.  Now all I do is write when I have a deadline, and I don't think that's the way my soul wants to do things.  But on the other hand, I feel like if I'm too devoted to what I do, I will fall into some sort of musical nut category and people will start making over-generalizations about me and not want to hang out with me.  I'm finding out that that's actually a huge insecurity for me.  I'm afraid that my music will affect my personality so much that I'll turn into somebody that won't have time for other people...that I won't be as relaxed or easy-going, that I'll have to put my music before other people, etc.  Maybe I feel like I've been that way for so long that college has been my mind's way of purging the insecurity that people haven't liked me because I haven't kept promises of hanging out.  I'm trying to correct the people issue and it's dragging me away from my true passion.  And it isn't like friends hinder my passion at all...but right now, I think that I'm getting the two ideas mixed up.  I need to get the right idea into my head; when you find your passion and you are really interested in something, your friends will respect you more because you will have found what embodies you.   And then they can respect both you and your accomplishments, and this will, in turn, make you feel much more proud in yourself. You guys are great friends.  Stay with me as I try and work hard to find my passion again!  I don't want to lose any of you because I seem too devoted to my art, but I can't sit back and suppress my ideas much longer.  I think it's finally time to act.  I don't blame anyone for my current mental state, and I'm not blaming it on any situations...it's just what my brain has manipulated the situation to be.  And it's time to get back to making music fun again.  I'm really going to try this summer.  It HAS to happen.  It HAS to.  I can't continue to feel this lifeless in the area that I should feel most exuberant. Also, I need to get back to bed.  It's way too early to be writing this.  *Sigh* thanks, Six Flags hugely-altered sleep schedule. Forever and Always, -The Music Man (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, May 3rd, 2008
10:32 pm	Summer Plans Alright LJ and all my other friends out there, Every summer we say we're going to do so much stuff together and that it's gonna be the GREATEST SUMMER EVER.  But do you know why that really comes true this year?  Because I finally have a car and money.  That's right, I now have all the resources to road trip with whoever I want for pretty much however long I want as long as I schedule it ahead of time. Therefore, the only thing left to do is to give you all my projected summer schedule.  I want it to look like THIS: Sunday: Church 9-11:30, Work at In-N-Out, 4:00-10:00 Monday - Thursday: Work at In-N-Out, 11(:30)-5:00 Planned Vacations: Trip to Chicago, June 11-15 (Projected) This schedule will leave me every Friday and Saturday to do WHATEVER with WHOEVER, no questions asked.  It will also leave me every night free with plenty of time for a morning recovery.  Also, my church has offered me 2 paid Sundays this summer (one of which is the Chicago trip), but the other one is free for me to determine.  In-N-Out burger is also one of the most flexible companies EVER with schedule, so just tell me that you want to go on a road trip and as long as it's sometime in the later half of the week (Tuesday-Saturday or Monday-Saturday, something like that), then I can just take those days off work a couple of weeks in advance and we can DOOOO IT. I'm up for anything.  Up and down the West Coast, through Nevada, Utah, and Colorado, or down to Texas, maybe even Rocky Point?  I have no idea, but I want ideas so we can start putting things down on the calendar.  With this type of a schedule, there is NO WAY that this can't be the best summer ever! Oh, and P.S.: The condo will be hosting its annual July 4th party for the 2nd year, so come on down if you don't have any plans right now!  Also, I would like to inform you all that the condo now has the following amenities: Snow cone machine, S'more maker, and the newest addition: A POOL TABLE!  No, I am NOT kidding!  Come party with me? Forever and Always, -The Music Man   (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, May 1st, 2008
4:03 pm	Do you ever wonder how all of society is developed on some huge game of universal tug-of-war based on the strength of opinions?  All of the things that we can call absolutes in this life started as opinions which grew stronger and were maybe proven, making them fact...and once those facts were known by everyone and transferred into common knowledge, they became absolutes.  The only reason we know anything in life is because somebody else knew it first. Think about your life right now, and what you believe, no matter how small or how large.  It doesn't even have to be religious.  Why do you believe what you do?  Because somebody told you about something, and you COULDN'T REFUTE IT.  Life is one giant argument from us outside to our peers.  We influence one another and constantly pull back and forth in the universe, waiting for enough opinion to shift one way so that it becomes fact, and we can figure out what the hell to do with it. That's why topics like love are so complex, and nobody knows anything about them.  Nobody has come out with strong enough opinions to sway people about what love actually is, so nobody REALLY knows what it is.  We just guess.  And if two people's guesses match with each other, they become fact in those people's minds and things click.  Isn't it funny that in relationships, all we're trying to do is convince the other person that things could work out?  It's a very subtle argument, but it's still an argument and a reciprocation of all of these principles. I just happen to find it funny that when I look at the vastness of the world and what everybody believes, I find that there are very few things in life that I know for certain.  And that even if I may know something for certain, somebody could come along and convince me that I'm wrong at any moment, and I'd have to completely redefine my life.  The only reason why we're even living the way we are is because it HASN'T BEEN DISPROVED YET.  We haven't failed yet.  If we had, we'd stop doing what we were doing and try something else in hopes that it would work, right?  This is why I have just recently learned that you should NEVER count out the importance of the impact you make on so many people EVERY DAY.  By simply living, you are changing everyone's opinions slightly, and it all is part of this universal balancing act that make up our society.  It's not a game that you win, and changing everyone's opinion does not necessarily shift any tug-of-war balance to "your side," but isn't it funny that a lot of our goals in life have to deal with being the best person that we can be, and that the best person that we can be isn't really us, but rather, a collection of everybody else?  I just thought that was interesting.  But still, you can be a huge influence on people in smaller circles, and it might be enough to make them adapt to include part of you in their personality.  So it's always important to exemplify your beliefs that others have provided you so that you can recycle that and watch it germinate in other people. And I guess that's really what friendship is all about. Forever and Always, -The Music Man (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, April 24th, 2008
7:37 pm	Productivity! Thank God for school winding down.  I'm not sure I can take much more of this madness. But you know what? I actually feel ready for the end of the semester, for once.  Aside from feeling like I never write enough music to be acceptable to my professors, that is.  I ALWAYS feel that way.  They keep telling me that it's not about quantity; it's about quality.  And yet, even though I feel like I'm growing in my musical knowledge, I still think it's never enough for it to be my MAJOR.  They say I should be writing at least 2 hours a day.  I write about 4 hours a week, and usually that's the morning when I have my lesson in the afternoon!  I'm such a procrastinator.  And yet, they still think that my output is good enough to show that I've made progress, which is all that matters. I've kinda always felt lucky in that respect.  That I've never had to DO a whole lot with my life, yet people think that I've done a lot with it.  Really, all I do is sit at the computer practically all day, listen to sports games, and think about how my life could be so much better.  I mean, I go to school and I have a bunch of odds & ends jobs, but I only got those because I know people who know people who THINK that I do things with my life, so they hire me.  I really don't think I'm as much of a go-getter as people would think.  It's much more that I was just blessed with abilities, and they've really carried me to here so far.  It's only been recently that I've bothered to do practice or really write music because it's only in these last two years that I've really been forced to do anything with my life.  I guess I have college to thank for that.  But really, if there wasn't anything for me to do with my life, I wouldn't do anything.  I'd probably do Sudoku all day or try to challenge my mind by thinking about why I'm not doing anything exciting.  But I can't say for sure if I would really work hard enough to fill any voids in my life. That's kind of an AWFUL thought.  I hope there are more people out there like me so I can feel justified when I say something that awful.  But I don't know if I'd really, truly have the energy to actively pursue what I really want in life.  As a matter of fact, I DON'T really know what I want yet.  Should I?  Should we ever?  I want goals, but I wouldn't even work to achieve them, so what's the point of goals?  Maybe I should just LIVE. I think that I've been better at that over the last year.  I'm making enough money, I have transportation, and I have friends, so I like to go do things with them.  A lot of times, that gets in the way of schoolwork, but I'm almost at the point where that really doesn't matter so much.  Last August, somebody told me that really, when you take away everything unnecessary and meaningless in this life, the only thing that really, truly matters is TIME with PEOPLE.  Because people are really all we have.  If we can't interact with people, then what is there?  You can DO all you want, but why would you if you keep it all to yourself?  So lately I've kinda been putting schoolwork on a back burner and tried to just talk to people more. And you know what?  It's AWESOME.  People are amazing if you give them time to express themselves to you and you really value them.  I'm seriously going to try to be with people much more often.  I can just feel the rewards in my spirit; I feel better, I'm happier, and because of that, I pass it on to other people.  And then they're happy.  And when life is going well, things just feel good. And even the two traffic tickets I got and the defective snow cone machine can't stop me from being happy right now.  WHY?  Because I just get back up and rebound from it.  Yesterday, I turned in my old crappy snow cone machine and bought a new one that WORKS HAHAHAHA!  And then today, I bought joey some chaffing fuel for his new S'MORE MACHINE!  Holy crap we have the coolest gadgets in our house!  They're so pointless but so amazing.  Does anybody want to party?  Seriously, like, whenever?  We can have shave ice and roast marshmallows in the living room! Oh.  My.  God.  The Office just started and I'm missing it!  I promise, I will finish these thoughts VERY SOON. Forever and Always, -The Music Man Current Mood: cheerful Current Music: Joey's Trumpet...soon to be the OFFICE THEME (1 Comment |Comment on this)